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Satirical Break, Compliments of Husband

March 12, 2011

Husband done got goofy last week on FB and I almost choked on my toothbrush when he read it to me. Hilarious. I have to share.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I’m not sure if the lady was upset or playing along, but I hope it’s the later.

Dude’s Status:
There is nothing wrong with a man that cries … I am a man … AND I CRY! Because we are men, we aren’t supposed to have tear ducts that tears come from, or something? Just sayin’. We’re all human.

Husband:
Yeah, but … only girls cry. Just sayin’.

Dude:
To say only girls cry would be promoting a sexist state of mind in some content (sic), don’t you think? So if only girls cry, what do men do? Just curious.

Husband:
We leak manliness. Sometimes we are so manly our bodies have to emit an opulent discharge so we don’t O.D. on awesomeness. Sheesh, I was raised by my mom and even I knew that.

Secondly, it doesn’t promote sexism at all. I tend to think of girls crying as just another byproduct of menstruation, does that make us sexist? On the contrary, it makes us Manly. And Manly is always followed closely by Awesome. Just ask Chuck Norris, or Moses.

I mean, shoot, while the Israelites were bewailing (crying like a bunch of girls) their … wilderness occupation, and lamenting (another fancying way of saying, “crying like girls”) Egypt, Moses was interceding for them so they wouldn’t get smote on account of them being such sissiness.

Moses, on the other hand, hit a rock with a sick … and made it cry like a girl. That’s O.T. manly.

Lady 1:
Um, Tim, I am confused with your last comment. If I am correct, you are saying that men do not cry because they are just that awesome? So what are women, just weak and menstrual? And why is crying only associated with women? … Jesus wept in the bible over the death of Lazarus … does that make Him weak or going through a menstrual moment?

Husband:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who said anything about weeping?

Lady:
What’s the difference between crying and weeping? Are they not the same thing?

Husband:
I beg to differ, my sister. A cursory study of the Hebrew word for “wept” would reveal it is phonetically similar to the Greek phrase for “leaking manliness,” or “opulentious wetoculous.” Origins of the phrase are found several times in ancient Mesopotamian, Sumarian (sic) and Hebraic literature, such as the epic of Gilgamesh, the book of Enoch, and the book of the years of Jubilee.

There’s nothing wrong with crying like a girl, if you’re a girl. I’ve crossed no line of ethical etiquette in my above … depositions. I apologize for the sureness and confidence of my statements, this being a direct result of me being a man … a manly man if you will.

It goes on and gets ridiculous, but that’s the best of it so I’ll leave it there. I laughed so hard I cried … like a girl.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 15, 2011 4:18 pm

    That was hilarious my brother and me were laughing quite a bit over here. A while back I won a book on the Holy Spirt by Reinhard Bonnke from you. Unfortunately I let someone borrow it and haven’t seen it since.

    • Lex permalink
      March 16, 2011 12:06 pm

      Husband will be happy to hear it. :) Did you read the book before you lent it out? If not, you need’a get that thing back!

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