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September 19, 2009


Confession: I sometimes envy. In a bad way.

Not in a morbid or creepy way – ever. Not that kind of bad. Not the kind where “bad” describes the object either. I don’t envy unsavory ways or people or lifestyles. At. All.

Maybe “deep” is a better word. I sometimes envy in a deep way.

Because there is the rare person whose touch seems to turn everything to gold. There is that occasional aspect of someone else’s situation that seems like exactly what I want, but can’t have. There are those real-life people who have somehow managed to turn their convictions into charity, or their art into bread, and I stand at arms reach with a heart full of unmet passion and creative longing and the envy gets deep.

Sometimes I envy in a deep way and it bothers me.

I know that He has plans for me. I know there’s more than what I see. And I am well aware that I am very, very blessed. Wonderful family, amazing husband, great church, cutest house ever, bills get paid, relative health, darling friends – you name it.

It makes no sense that this envy sometimes manages to pierce right through me, and I can feel what an affront it is to my Creator every second I give ear to it.

So I usually push it away, close the page, change the conversation, and move on. I’m working on it, but I’m weak sometimes and sometimes it touches that deep place inside of me that makes me stop, sigh, and lose sight of my prize for a moment.

It’s not every time. It’s not even most times. It’s never because of your good news. It’s not like that. Maybe I can’t explain it, but that’s okay. I feel better after my little Saturday morning confession.

What are you struggling with? Not because we’re dying for something juicy this morning, but because it’s helpful to get it out in the open. You can comment anonymously, but I encourage you to put a name on it. I dare you to be imperfect in front of other people. (You might actually like it.)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. tamihoban permalink
    September 22, 2009 10:41 am

    1. it’s just weird how this reminds me of something i had on my FB profile. you know that “say something about yourself” place? last week, mine said, “confession: i never liked gummi bears. the candy, not the show. the show was great.”

    2. i know the feeling. and i struggle with some insecurities. thank God for grace in the meantime.

    • Lex permalink
      September 22, 2009 12:29 pm

      I didn’t see that on FB. Weird. Weirder is that you don’t like gummy bears. Really? … Now I want gummy bears.

      Word – on God’s grace. Sometimes I think I must be the most offensive child He has, but every morning I get to try again!

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