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Honesty alert

June 17, 2009

I don’t like faith.

There. I said it. I don’t like it.

I know that without faith, it’s impossible to please God. I know that the just shall live by faith, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I’m down for a little challenge, but this isn’t fun anymore. I don’t like it.

I want my husband content and secure in an employer. I want to know what’s going on in the ministry. I want to know that we’ll be able to pay our mortgage next month. I want people I love to grow up and get their crap together already.

I don’t want to job hunt for the rest of my life. I don’t want to constantly try to reckon within myself that I’m okay with God if we lose our house after only a year. I don’t want to wonder if tomorrow is going to be the day when it all finally crashes down around me. Or the next day. Or the next day. I don’t want to get nervous every time my husband calls me from his cell phone during business hours.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the tension. I’m tired of trying to shrug it off and be calm and collected in the middle of a whirlwind. I’m tired of letting go and watching things shatter.

Of course I’m going to keep doing it, though, because there’s nothing else to do. Without faith it’s impossible to please God, and three times the Bible tells us that the just will live by faith. I’m going to keep doing it because there’s no where else to go; He is truth whether I like it or not. I’m going to keep doing it, and probably regret that I posted this tomorrow.

But today – this morning – I’m tired and I’m frustrated and I don’t like this.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Lex permalink
    June 17, 2009 11:43 am

    I feel better already. :)

  2. mikeraburn permalink
    June 17, 2009 7:56 pm

    The cool part is that your ability to express this honestly and still keep doing it IS faith. Faith isn’t being a dupe or pretending serious situations aren’t serious situations. Faith is the Shadrach saying, “Even if you kill us, we still won’t bow.” I hope you don’t delete this tomorrow, because this is what a true expression of faith looks like. We get so few of those anymore.

    • Lex permalink
      June 18, 2009 6:33 pm

      @mike – Thanks. That very encouraging … and I’m not just saying that. I tend to have/post these kinds of thoughts and then consider myself a terrible Christian the next day. But thanks.

  3. Noeleen permalink
    June 18, 2009 10:10 am

    faith is a force that produces positive results!

  4. bianca permalink
    June 19, 2009 11:40 am

    this was beautiful.

    and a true expression of being one of the most faithful Christ followers I know.

    kudos to you, my sister, my friend.

    and just like the one who said, “I believe, help me with my unbelief” He answered.

    • Lex permalink
      June 19, 2009 11:45 am

      and just like the one who said, “I believe, help me with my unbelief” He answered.

      Just as lovely. Thank you!

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