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God speaks

February 6, 2009

before-dawnIt’s still dark when the alarm goes off. Discipleship is so much harder in winter.

I reach over the side of the bed and grope around for my hoodie. In one fluid motion I pull it over my head as I sit up and swing my feet over the edge and into my monkey sock slippers. I sit there for a minute as my flesh begs me not to do this. I remind my flesh of the deal we made a couple weeks ago, and it reasons that we’re already out from under the covers anyway.

The blanket waits, crumpled against the floor pillow in the next room.

I pull a glass silently off the dish drainer. I’m wake up every morning a ninja, but I’m not feeling mysteriously awesome this morning. The refrigerator is always perky in the morning – like that one person in your office, or that one girl at school, or that one college roommate who always picks your worst day to be obsessively cheerful – and as I reach for the water pitcher with one eye hardly open I wonder why on earth the light in the ‘frige needs to be so bright anyway.

Of course it’s nothing compared to the flood light I flick on in the next room. The glass of water and I blink our way to the corner where Blanket and Pillow make a weak attempt at comforting me. I pull open the back cover of my Bible and find my bookmark in Revelation, but it doesn’t take long to realize that I’m not paying attention. I really need “mysteriously awesome” to read Revelation before the sun comes up.

I close the book, draw my knees to my chest and ask Holy Spirit if He’s awake. I know He is but I’m a grumpy ninja and it just doesn’t seem like anyone should be awake at this hour. My mind scrolls through the prayers that usually start my day, but, prayer itself being mysteriously awesome, none seem right. So I tell Him that.

I tell Him that I’m bored with this. I’m bored with reading Revelation because the scales haven’t fallen from my eyes yet. I’m bored with early mornings without His presence or His voice. I’m bored with Him this morning. And I know I shouldn’t be. Dwayne said it should concern me that I’m bored with Him, and I believe it. I know there’s nothing boring about Him. I know I’m supposed to press through. I know there’s that time when the Bridegroom leaves and the Shulamite goes to find Him. I know it’s me. I know, and I’m sorry. I’m trying. I haven’t quit, but I’m bored and I’m sorry.

And then He speaks. And His voice is quiet and gentle, but completely electrifying. My mind recognizes wisdom in His words, but my spirit resonates with the presence in His voice. Heaven and earth and all I hold dear could pass away, but if He’d just say my name I’d wave it goodbye. The idea He expresses is comforting, but not as comforting as the simple fact that He speaks.

“I’m not bored with you.”

Suddenly, I’m not bored with Him either.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. greenejc permalink
    February 6, 2009 4:35 pm

    Beautiful prose. And, I know what you’re going through. We all get that sometimes.

  2. February 13, 2009 9:51 am

    Wow. Thanks for this. It was just what I needed this morning. I was about to go take a nap, since that seems so much easier than pressing into God. I get so bored sometimes too, but that one sentence you heard the Lord speak to you brought sudden tears to my eyes. *Deep sigh* Yup – just what I needed to hear from Him today.

  3. Lex permalink
    February 13, 2009 2:25 pm

    Thanks to both of you!

    @Jacquie – Your comment inspired a thought I’m going to chew on for a couple days and perhaps spit out here. Is it okay if I quote you?

  4. February 13, 2009 2:28 pm

    Sure thing. :)

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