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Testostardus

January 29, 2009

brainAfter much study and meditation I have conclusively determined that there are portions of the male human brain that stop developing after eight to ten years post-womb. I don’t have the statistics to prove it, but I figure if Einstein didn’t need data to present that whole bit about dents in the fabric of space then I don’t need data either.

Let me preface this revelation by saying it is in no way an under-handed jab at Husband. In truth, Husband seems to have made it well beyond the normal ten years of what I’m calling Testostardus (from the English testosterone and the Latin tardus or “slow”). I’m not so simple as to not have taken scores (if not hundreds) of case studies into account before announcing any conclusive findings. Read: I know lots of boys and they’re mostly the same in this regard.

Let the preface also state that neither is this the dawn of a femi-nazi phase, or the hinting of such a streak within me. Men are good and necessary, which is perfectly evident in the omnipotent wisdom of a Creator who saw fit to handicap the more intelligent half of the human race with inferior physical strength (generally speaking, of course).

Disclaimers enunciated, allow me to restate my position: There exist portions of the male human brain that dramatically slow or altogether cease development after about eight to ten years. I don’t know much about neurology, so I can’t tell you where this mysterious section is or what it’s called. Fortunately we’ve already determined that actual data is unnecessary.

I am also aware that there are parts of the human brain that no human really uses. The portion in question here, however, is one that women display frequent and unhindered use of.

The portion in question is that small corner of the human brain that seems to combine reason with practical application. A simple example:

Empty containers belong in garbage or recycling receptacles.

Women don’t generally respond to this statement. It is at least simply true and at most second nature.

Men, however, strongly agree with this statement. Not because they apply it to their lives, but merely because they’ve been told so many times that they’ve come to accept it as true. We call this the “Yes, dear” reflex, and credit Pavlov for his earlier work in a similar field. The stunted mental development, then, is where simple knowledge becomes practical application.

The same stunting is what keeps dirty socks everywhere but the laundry hamper, dairy products on the counter instead of the refrigerator, commonly used items about two feet from where they actually belong, and toilets generally un-flushed.

I am currently seeking financial support to begin development of medication that may be used to treat this condition, and reverse the effects of Testostardus. In the meantime, I can only recommend electric shock therapy.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Caleb Towers permalink
    January 30, 2009 9:37 am

    Keep searching lady, you’ll never find a “cure” for superiority.

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