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fear of man

January 17, 2008

(My pride has been surfacing lately, so I’m publicly exposing it to scare it away.)

Pride also disguises itself as the fear of man, which in turn can disguise itself as diligence, devotion, work ethic, etc. Case in point:

I have always done well. At everything. My mother, though far from a Bible-thumper, was a spiritual warrior during my childhood. She didn’t know the verse, but she seemed to understand the power of her words (or she was just a biased woman with her first born). She was constantly talking to me and about me, regarding how smart and talented I am and how I can do anything I want to do very well.

And so it was. I always got excellent grades in school. I was usually relatively well behaved (or sneaky enough not to get caught and without the conviction of the Spirit of God). I was a good pianist, a good bicycle mechanic, a good writer, a decent photographer, etc. I got the scholarships, set the grade curves, breezed through the hard roles, sat first chair or marched center snare, had the coolest boyfriend, and it was easy. I am good at what I do, whatever that is, and everyone stinkin’ knows it.

Now it suddenly seems everything is going poorly. It seems, if I were to live by sight, that’s I’m doing a mediocre to downright terrible job at just about everything, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and everyone stinkin’ knows it.

And it’s killing me.

Of course I know it’s not true. Because I don’t live by sight, and because God said that whatever I put my hand to will prosper. I know I have an enemy who doesn’t sleep, and who wants more than anything for me to fail/quit. And be depressed and miserable in the meantime. I also know my God loves me, believes in me, forgives me, trusts me, has faith in me, is behind me, goes before me, is my strength, hope and peace.

And yet it’s still killing me. And it hurts, because I don’t like it when people are upset with or disappointed in me. I don’t like it when people think I’m wrong. I want it to stop, but I know that if it does I’m in real trouble. I need to sit back, bite something, and let it kill me.

In the meantime, if I bite you, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m in a lot of pain.

One Comment leave one →
  1. jeffie permalink
    January 19, 2008 3:38 pm

    I feel your pain, no really. just as moses began climbing the mountain of God to receive instruction and blessing, like any mountain has some inclines steeper than others and probably some plateaus. When we climb the mountain of life, ministry, pursuit of the knowledge and relationship of God, the closer to the top we get the more naked we realize we are. this reveals our soulish realm. as we approach the perfect we understand more fully our imperfection. I encourage you to find the strength in the Holy Spirit to continue climbing and the Grace in our Lord Jesus to keep reaching and searching for the top. You are an inspiration to both bianca and myself, i am not lying. but i boast of you in the holy spirit :)

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