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i’ll never be happy enough

December 20, 2007

Star 105.5 makes me sad. And not just because the music is bad, or because I know the people I hear singing could be so much more than what they’ve settled for (because those have been my complaints until now).

Dave decided a few months ago that it’s too quiet in the office. Anyone who’s ever been in this office knows – it’s like a library. A really old library in a stuffy north-eastern town. You could hear a pin drop at any given moment, and it’s carpeted wall to wall.

So he brought in this stereo and of course the only thing PC enough (and with clear enough reception) is Star 105.5.

At first it was just irritating. And usually I open iTunes and play Audra Lynn or Hillsong – or I keep a browser window open to YouTube and just keep replaying Jesus Culture videos – loud enough to drown out the best of the ’80s, ’90s and today. But sometimes I’m tired of hearing the same thing.

The past couple days, though, office hours have been bordering on depression again and I couldn’t figure out why (aside from the intermediate stretches of overwhelming boredom). It’s taken me 16 hours of subconsciously analyzing my thought process, but I – at five minutes to the bell – figured it out.

Even though the hit singles are on the other side of the half-wall behind me, and even though I’m not really listening, I’m hearing. I’m hearing a little worldly longing and the occasional heartache, but mostly I’m hearing about summer vacations that will never end and people who have lives supposedly much more exciting than mine. I’m being reminded without paying attention that I want to be a rock star with no responsibilities and lots of money (by rock stars with no responsibilities and lots of money who are mostly very unhappy people).

And I catch myself thinking about how my job is boring or about college or about what could have been if …

When really, I was horribly depressed in college and I know perfectly well that all that could have been if was addiction and torment. Not to mention I have the best husband in the world, the greatest church in the Midwest, a cute new bass guitar, and the primary affections of the One who was and is and is to come.

And maybe you did put on your blue suede shoes and board a plane, but I took up arms over an entire continent last night – and not even the continent I’m on.

It’s strange how the seemingly harmless can be so harmful. How even the subtle implications we don’t notice day after day after day really do impress our minds.

Luke 11:23//He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters.

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