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September 27, 2007

I’m anxious for something. I don’t know what, and I don’t think it matters.

I’m anxious for anything.

A vacation. A thunderstorm. Maybe a bass guitar. A house, or at least a clean apartment. The proverbial light to go on inside a teenager. Any teenager. My brother’s salvation, a silk screening project, a song to come out of me. A new tshirt or a fresh dose of spiritual passion – sometimes it’s hard to say. A miracle, breakthrough, something artistic. A new kitchen table.

I think I’m feeling artistic and spiritually thirsty at the same time and it’s frustrating because both are generally veiled and constipated, at least initially, efforts for me, because while I long to do both I also seem to inherently know that I’ll never do either well enough to feel satisfied with my efforts, so I put off starting both, distracting myself with thunderstorms and bass guitars and 45-cent tshirts, futilely browsing kitchen tables and run-on sentences. Eternity whispers to me and I distract myself with life.

I have become my own sermon illustration.

Which should be a comforting idea because I know how the sermon ends, but I don’t know if I can get there. I know this is theologically incorrect and is about to make me sound like a spiritual toddler, but I don’t feel like I love God enough. Or like I don’t love Him the right way. You needn’t refute me via comments, because I know what you’re going to say, but that’s what grips my heart lately. I read Psalms or listen to these amazing, modern worship songs and I just know I don’t love God like that. I want to, but I’ve tried every path I know to get there I feel like I keep getting lost.

Sometimes it scares me; sometimes I just get anxious.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Tami permalink
    September 27, 2007 4:31 pm

    I don’t even think it’s even a point that could be refuted, Lex. It’s not bad theology, it’s just a spiritually hungry heart crying out to God. David did that in the Psalms over and over.

    Restlessness & Dissatisfaction. Good things that don’t feel good, but lead to better things.

  2. The Academy Against 'The Academy Against Apathy' permalink
    September 27, 2007 9:27 pm

    Lex, I will pray for you to have the *correct* theology, but still remain in the current state. Thereby not helping the situation at all.

    Well, I won’t really pray that. But I will pray for God to enlarge your heart and for you to enter into His presence.

    You know what it’s like to fast. There are places that you go that you wouldn’t go before if you could placate yourself with food. You see the flaws in your character wholesale. Think of this as a “spiritual fast” not one where you’re not being spiritual, but a time when you’re hungering and thirsting for righteousness. Be encouraged, you will be filled. And you will be filled with Him, and His righteousness. You know what follows.

    I fully believe I received a Word from God telling us all, but *especially* the ones in the prophetic, especially the Elijahs to prepare for persecution. It will start out small, and you will get little tastes of it. We will be like the prophets of the OT, experiencing in the natural what is happening in the spiritual. We will find ourselves to be as though weeping prophets for those who will enter into the places of persecution after us.

    This will happen for several reasons. One, we pave the way for Him. We go into the places and make the path straight. That means we make a way in the wilderness by pulling out weeds, speaking to mountains to move, battling and gaining ground for the Kingdom, rising up against the gates of Hades and overcoming. That ministry is a painful ministry, but it is authentic. It is real, and it is *our* walk with God. Those are the Elijahs. There will come Elishas who will walk after our paths. They will do more than we did, but the reason being is because the way was paved for them. This isn’t a contest of who did what, or who did more (or who is more “authentic”). Both things needed to be done. One walk is more “lonely” as in “I’m all alone. I have nobody to teach me where to go but You God.” while another is walking the path of another, learning from them, and being more effective/productive/efficient on that walk because of the experience, knowledge, and guidance of the one who paved it. They’re both for the kingdom of God. Elijah’s walk with God does influence Elisha’s though. So be watchful of how you step, because it will affect generations.

    So that being said, you will come up against resistance when landscaping in the wilderness. It’s a given. But you’re blessed because of that. The persecution is there, but believe me, greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. No weapon formed against you shall prosper either. It might hit you, it might hurt you, it might do so much damage that you think you will never be able to recover. But God will always bring you above it, and you will always prosper over that hit from the devil. The thief has been found out and caught, he will be forced to repay times seven.

    Another reason why you will/are feeling this is because you will have compassion for those who enter into it after you. You will experience this, and then you will be able to minister to those who are there now. That’s powerful. A seat of influence that God has trusted you with. Jeremiah 48:10. Internalize it.

    The persecution is going to be deceptive. You’re going to have to watch for the enemy, because it will be subtle. First you might find you have “lost favor” with certain people. The atmosphere might have changed a little. More people will get vocal about atheism or different religions. Being polite and “keeping peace” doesn’t make you a son of God. Making peace does. Stand up for righteousness and don’t be deceived into staying silent for the sake of argument. It isn’t for the sake of argument, it’s for the sake of walking in the authority that Christ has given you and not submitting that authority to the world.

    I am being serious when I say this too. I’m not saying to shove Christianity down peoples throats, or tell everyone to “TURN OR BURN!!”, but I am saying, “blessed are you when you’re persecuted for the sake of righteousness.” You don’t want to become a “seeker-friendly-people-pleasing-preacher” You want to become a burning man, burning with passion for Jesus Christ, standing up for what He did on the cross, even if it means being unpopular. Because time really is running out, and deception is so subtle, that one day you will realize that you are afraid to say what it is that you believe because of what other people will say or do or think. It’s already happening.

    That is not a rebuke at all. Your post is a huge confirmation to me, and I thank you for that. I wanted to share, and encourage you. What you’re feeling isn’t abnormal, and it’s good. Don’t placate it, but enter into His presence, and listen to Him. Whatever He tells you to do, do it (John 2:5).


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